Another Year Over, A New One Just Begun Post #41

              As a child, I was always keenly aware of the passing of time.  At age five, I often visited a neighbor lady who was 84 and would think to myself, ‘Someday, I will be her age!’ Deep in my heart, I felt the time would come much faster than everyone said.  At age 15, while sitting on the porch swing, home alone listening to a ‘Kansas’ song, ‘Dust in the Wind’, once again, I was overwhelmed with the reality of time passing.  I thought to myself, ‘This song is so true!  We all fill a body and pass through this world like a speck of dust in the whole scheme of time.  Before I know it, I’m going to be 35 years old, then forty, then fifty, and so on.  And I will remember this moment.’   And I do remember that moment, as though the only thing that stands between me and that fifteen year old girl is a curtain.  It was around my junior or senior year when the song, ‘And So This is Christmas’ by John Lennon came out. 

                Again, the feeling of time passing would haunt me, even at that young age.  Before Christmas, the feelings of guilt at what I hadn’t accomplished set in and like the Ghosts of Christmas’s Past, the memories of each holiday season would flood in and the awareness of how much had changed in my then, short life.  The clouds, cold rain and snow back there in the north only exacerbated that.  In my 30’s, my assistant at work and I would talk about how we wanted to spend the rest of our lives and she would say, “Mary Beth, let’s make our forties the best years yet!”, though we were still in the first half of our 30’s.  But just her saying it was enough to inspire me to do just that.  The more we talked about it, the more I realized that many things in my then-present life did not reflect where I wanted to go.  I wanted to find a greater, yet more practical, level of spirituality, to be financially secure enough to put the needs of those I loved the most  - my family – first, to live in a warmer climate that was conducive to bringing out the best ‘me’, and to be in a healthy marriage where each other was our top priority.  I would watch my two oldest children explore life’s adventures together and listen to the conversations of two kids reporting back to one another their experiences and each giving input to make sense of it all.  Their energy, excitement, and zeal for life made me realize; that is how I want to grow old!   Moving through life; always growing, sharing, experiencing, solving, loving, exploring, and aging together in the most healthy, active way possible.  Yes!  That was it.

Dad & I, 2010.   I think he get's it!

                But there were many obstacles and, as with any project, things often feel worse before they get better.  I read, studied, and prayed about how to live the best life possible for myself and those I love.  I knew that when we're not, those around us suffer too.  To get there meant cleaning and weeding of things, people, property, location, and basically my whole comfort zone, and replacing them with like-minded people, a more viable location, and rebuilding my comfort zone here in the south.  My last goodbye when leaving New York was with my dad in his office at his work.  We both teared up and it was one of the few times I saw him choke on his words.  I wanted to cry too but I surprised myself by saying, “Dad, you know it’s what I have to do!”  And he, being the great dad that he is, agreed, and I could see that, once again, he was letting me go so that I could grow and change in the way that was needed.  

My talk on change at the Bienville Club

                So, here I am, nearly five years later.  Another year is over, a new one just began.  The last five years have been magical in so many ways.  The fear of leaving my comfort zone – as gloomy and cold as it was – proved to be more like the Wizard of Oz hiding behind the curtain, yet when exposed, he was easy, gentle, and nice.  And being here in the south has also been easy, gentle and nice.  There will be more changes this year but the hardest part
is done – which was leaving the familiar.  But most ironic, is when

This is my paradise - and it feels familiar!

we find a place that works better for us, we realize how unfamiliar the old ‘comfort zone’ really was.  Our inner spirit resonates with our lifestyle and environment and that allows us to stop playing a role and become who we truly are; possibly learning to love ourselves for the first time in our lives.

              The New Year has always brought a reprieve to my awareness of time passing and it gives me hope of good things to come; needed change, rebuilding, restoration, love, laughter, health, and legacies to pass on.   The bonus of living in the south is that the less extreme seasons and the slower pace has –for me – slowed down time and there just seems to be more of it to do the things I love and hope to do.  There are many things on my resolution list this year – all of which I hope will bring into full fruition the dreams I had in my early 30’s for the second half of my life.

Mardi Gras is at hand and once again, there will be parades, balls, brunches, lunches, dinners, and parties.  There will be fun, laughter, celebration and joy during the next six to eight weeks and I look forward, with great expectation and hope, as well fear of the unknown, to what the next year will bring.