Monotone Me Post # 56

                One day a southern girlfriend called to say there was something bothering her and she decided to just ask me out right.  I couldn't imagine what it was and was concerned about what was about to be said.  When she shared her feelings, I was both relieved and perplexed.  Something I had worked so hard to squelch has now backfired.  Basically, she said something like this:

 “Mary Beth, when I share something really exciting with you, you have no reaction!  You just simply say, ‘Okay!’ or ‘Great!’ but there is no emotion in your voice or expression on your face!  I was talking with some other people and they noticed it too.  We can never tell what you’re thinking.  Are you happy for me when I tell you something good?  When you tell me something that you’re upset about, you show no emotion and I can’t tell if you’re really upset or just commenting on it.  And the same when you’re happy!  Your voice is so monotone and your face shows no expression!  We don’t know how to read you!  Is it a New York thing?”

I love the ‘New York thing’.   It would have been a really convenient ‘out’.  But my Yankee friends are anything but flat-spoken – most are Italian and there is never a monotone moment with an Italian.   Being the joker I am, I had contemplated telling her that I had Botox - or whatever those shots are that freeze your face - and that my face was just too frozen to make an expression, but wisely chose not to lest, giving birth to a new rumor. 

When I was young
It seemed that life was so wonderful
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical
And all the birds in the trees
Well they'd be singing so happily
Joyfully, playfully watching me

Supertramp - The Logical Song Lyrics | MetroLyrics

As a child, my role in the family was perhaps the drama queen.   Always an adventurer, I wore my emotions on my sleeves and the inflections in my voice when telling a story were swept up and down with the present feelings.  I talked fast and used lots of hand motions, arm movements, and perhaps a little bit of theatrical arts to get my point across.

                But then I went to college where learning to get my point across objectively and - as a psychology student - being shock proof, was crucial for success.  We were told, “Nothing will shut a patient/client down faster than a strong reaction to something they share with you in the counseling room.  Therefore, it is imperative to be shock-proof regardless of your own feelings and emotions.“   Poker face, I believe, is what they would call it these days.  For my internship co-leading group therapy, my fellow therapist and I were evaluated and filmed through a two-way mirror and after the sessions two times a week, we sat with a psychiatrist and an MSW to process our own reactions during the session.  They would pull up moments in the film to show us ourselves and then we’d discuss what was going on in our minds.  The point was to develop self-awareness of our own body language and how it may affect our patients.

But then they sent me away
To teach me how to be sensible
Logical, responsible, practical
And then they showed me a world
Where I could be so dependable
Clinical, intellectual, cynical

Read more: Supertramp - The Logical Song Lyrics | MetroLyrics

            So, shock-proof, or poker-face is what I became.  Just like my daughter, an aspiring theatre student, who is studying and striving to put more inflection into her voice and to learn to use it according to the situation, I had striven to get the inflection out of my voice, regardless of the situation.  After years of studying and practice, both in professional and in real life settings, I must have done a great job at it, hence the phone call from my southern friend.  Over the years since then, being in the south has brought back the parts of me that have long-since been buried.  My sense of wonder about the world, the magic, and excitement of waking up wondering what each new day held in store may well put a little inflection back into my personality.

          

My shy sister - who is no longer shy!

  I remember when my shy sister moved south about thirty years ago and suddenly she used more inflection in her voice and, like a good southern woman, can hold her own in a conversation.  Recently, at Thanksgiving, she joked about putting the high strung, dramatic baby sister (me)  next to the rebellious teenager (her thirty year old daughter) and it was then that I realized how long we had been apart and how quickly we get tossed back into our childhood roles when we get together with family.

            Regardless of my Mr. Spock-like demeanor, I do have emotions;  like the peace that sweeps over me when I see the moon rising over the bay, and coziness that envelops me while sitting on my porch swing covered by Live Oaks. 

And I feel pure bliss when I smell the ocean breeze and feel the sand between my toes, and my spirit soars when I hear Celtic music and American Indian wind instruments, and I  may feel a little sassy when I hear southern jazz – New Orleans style, and happiness when the phone rings from those I love.   I may never have the voice inflection that will give my southern girlfriends the cue that I am engaged in what they are saying.  But I certainly am present and am forever amused at those who can and do converse like they are the star of their current life drama and, as long as that drama doesn't spill over into my life, I will certainly walk through it with them.