Lone Ranger Post # 65

The day we never believe will happen finally came.   When the kids are in diapers, or we are going from one activity to the next; with us (the parents) as their chauffeur and maid, it seems unending.   The past few years flew by in a whirlwind of being a band parent and theater mom.  Shan was in so many community plays and there was always a rehearsal, an intermission to cater - which she oversaw - or a show.  The house was full of music - Shanon's music.  Playing her instruments, singing, jazz music, and 1920-1940 era music.  It was a happy home and I had always wondered,    "What am I going to do when the music stops!"

     The music stopped on August 21 when I dropped her off a college in Staten Island.  During the two-day ride back to Alabama I kept checking my phone to see if she called or texted.  The many calls to her went to voice mail.  She had never not answered before!  Many thoughts went through my head.  'Doesn't she miss me?  Does she really not need me?  What if something happened to her?  Is she safe?'  As much as I hate to admit it, I was kind of disappointed that she adjusted so well.

 For the first time in my life, I live alone with the closest family member an hour away, the next one three hours and then 1200+ miles for the rest.  Walking into the house for the first time, knowing that my baby may never live at home again - barring vacations - was eerie.  Each room echoed with happy voices and songs of days from the not-too-distant past, and the imagined sounds ricocheted off the walls, hitting me when I least expected it in moments of loneliness and purposeless. Instruments played, voices sang, a theatrical scream would wake me out of a dead sleep - but only in my mind.

     The first month I was dazed and in shock, wondering aimlessly about and marveling that just one person (me) could be so high maintenance.  There were dishes to do, paperwork to be done, and floors to be swept; all things that for some reason I thought would go away when the kids grew up. There were still meals to be cooked, but only for one.

     But the hardest part, is sitting on my porch, hearing the afternoon band practice coming from the two local high schools, both just blocks from my house, one of which is Shanon's. On home-game nights,  the bands celebrate each touchdown and the halftime shows calibrate through the air and I distinctly remember sitting in the window of my apartment  across from the school - before buying this house - three years ago and wondering what I would do when Shanon was no longer among the kids coming and going to school.  And yet, once again in my life, only a curtain separates that day and now and if I pull it back I'll be there and by closing it, I'm here.

     One day, driving down the street feeling pretty much nothing but despair, I opened the console.  And what to my wondering eyes should appear?  Ten CD's in homemade covers.  Curious, I pulled one out and put it in the player.  The first song was, "The Stars Fell On Alabama", followed by "What a Wonderful World", then "Slow Boat to China", then "Summertime" by Billy Sundae, and so forth, all of which was Shan and my favorite music.  Ah!  Then I remembered her telling me she was going to make me some CD's for when I miss her.  It was at that moment the vale had lifted.  The music was back!  I began to re-engage in life and suddenly it occurred to me that, basically, I can do whatever I want now!  

   

Renovation 2014 - turning half into master closet & moving door to align with kitchen door.  2014

All those years of, "If I didn't have to worry about the kids I would do..." were gone and suddenly I was here!  No more excuses!  It is time to live and love life again.   First on my list was to create a beautiful outdoor space.   After some rearranging the back part of my house shortly after moving in, the back door was moved 6 foot to the right, which meant there were now steps that led to a wall and concrete blocks for steps at the back door, leading to a large patio.  From that back door to the yard, the patio was a barren space and I rarely used it.

Part of my patio before this project

So I decided to have a 12x12 deck built and the patio enclosed with a 4 foot lattice fence, an arbor doorway, and a decorative wall on one side to make it more like a courtyard.   The construction took two weeks to complete.

After - not finished decorating

     I'm in the middle of painting and staining the whole contraption.  Something I found out the hard way, when you see lattice, remember, somebody had to paint that stuff!  The construction was completed two weeks ago.   The man (Cecil) who did the work had approached me about doing it at cost because he knew I was anxious to have a beautiful space but financially it wouldn't have happened until next spring.  He had built a deck on another property for me and we had talked about it then.   As it turned out, he had recently learned he was sick and didn't have long to live and this was something he wanted to do before he died.  He  passed away one week ago (a week after finishing the project) from pancreatic cancer.

Looking out back door after pic

Loving my wall

Outdoor LR - not done yet

Wk in progress for dining area

New outdoor living area

View from back yard

Next is landscaping around fence

    Through the emotional roller coaster of yet, another fall season of loss and change, I have learned something.   Sometimes, when we feel dead inside, a simple gift can kick-start us back to life.  And a labor of love can be the gift that keeps on giving and sometimes the footprints we leave are like passing the torch of life on to someone else when we can no longer continue.  It was as though Cecil handed me his torch and said, "I won't be here much longer but you go and love your life!  Live it to the fullest!"    And that is just what I intend to do.